"Since I live so also you will live..."

The Month of May

Despite the rapidity of the semester, it has felt as though the last few weeks have just walked by, seeming to be in no hurry to be over. Although this has been somewhat frustrating and has caused some anxiety on my part, I’m really thankful that the speed of time seems to have slowed down. It has given me the chance to reflect and commemorate. Unlike last semester, where all I had to reflect on was four months of teaching, I have so much more to think about, to lift up to the Father, to give me the chance to see how much He has done in me throughout the course of this year.

This semester has been a very healthy balance of victories and failures for me in the classroom. As much as I have found myself banging my head against the wall (no joke), I have had just as much cause for joy. In the same classes that I have woken sleeping students up, I have seen students who rarely open their mouths answer a question. On the same days that I have had to yell at my classes for poor behavior, I have enjoyed fun times and conversation with students over a meal in the dining hall. And most importantly, during the times that I have completely face-planted it trying to teach and live on my own strength, my own patience, and my own joy, I have felt the hands of my Savior picking me up, wiping the dirt off my face, and wrapping me in His reassuring embrace.

Through these various times, I have seen the ways in which the Father has used this semester to shape me differently than He did last semester. This is one thing that I have come to understand about my Father, that even though thankfully He never changes, He changes us. I listened to a message recently where a pastor phrased it like this: “Everything in your life is rigged to reflect [Him] if you really know Him.” I have seen my life reflecting Him most this semester in the most challenging classes, where I sometimes hear Him saying to me things like, “Explain it just one more time, and maybe they will understand your directions.”

When this is the fifth time repeating myself, the last thing I want to hear is how I need to be more compassionate. I am only human, and my patience has its limits. However, I am called to go above and beyond what I am capable of. Some might say that I am putting too much expectation onto myself and that there is only so much that I can do.  This is only half true. Yes, there is only so much that I can do. But He demands greater things of us whom He has called to Himself because He has given us the tools to meet these expectations in the power of the Spirit.

Over the months of March and April, we saw how much things had changed compared to the previous semester, where a few of us got as many as four new classes and others saw a difference in the attitudes of their students following the two month winter break. But throughout the changes, we have seen the Spirit continue His work where we have chosen to persevere. The month of May, which has gone by much more slowly than the two previous months, has been the eye of the storm. The month of June is going to be full of review, finals, grading, packing, and traveling. This has been the time in which I have been able to evaluate my students’ performance, how my classes have gone this semester, and think about the ways that I would have taught differently if I could go back.

I don’t believe in dwelling on regrets, as there really isn’t a lot that we can do once something is done. But something that the Spirit has taught me is that regret isn’t just about apathy. It’s a time of reflection that He gives us to feel the weight of our poor decisions while giving us hope to see how we can learn and grow from those experiences. Even though it sometimes feels like the Spirit is throwing us under the bus of our own crushing guilt, He does it with the intention of showing us that while we are hopeless without Him, we are limitless with Him.

I have really been enjoying the time that He’s given me to think about next year. I don’t know really what next year is going to look like yet, but it has taken a painfully long time for me to see that as long as He is leading, there really isn’t anything to fear. The ways in which He’s revealed Himself here will look different in the States and I don’t know what to expect, but I am looking forward to making the long journey with Him across the Atlantic next month to find out!

TFP Video

“People’s Desires are Infinite”

It is always a good day when I am truly humbled by the writings of my students. The longer I am here in China, the more I understand that the students here are not unintelligent or ignorant. They only express themselves in a different way than I do. Today, while grading papers, I read this answer to the question of what my students would change about the world if they could:

“I wish that all the people in the world could be satisfied easily. People’s desire is infinite. That’s why we always feel unhappy. And all the pain and evil stem from here. We should have placid mentality, and it can relieve our pain, help us live in a happy way.” (I know this is an interesting way to express his point, but it’s what makes teaching English fun.)

There is serious conviction in this short statement, and although it is short, it carries weight. The truth that it carries causes me to see how much my affections for my Savior are robbed by my own inability to let go of certain hopes and desires that the Father may not have willed for me. He alone satisfies, and if I really trust Him, He will replenish my “lost” hopes with His own. I don’t like grading papers, but finding things like this makes it worth it to me.

Although my students’ expressed thoughts really do sometimes burden my heart, it gives me hope that the enemy has not blinded them so much that they cannot see how broken the world is. If not myself, I am asking the Father that someone will be able to tell this student about Him someday, and that he will be prepared to receive His love at the right time.

Wo Zher Teng

This is pinyin (phonetic spelling for Chinese) for “it hurts here.”

This small phrase has been the tagline for my life over the last month. About four weeks ago, I woke up with a sore knee. I hadn’t injured it or anything, so it was kind of weird for it to just start aching. My life has been slightly marked by the Father’s blessing me with good health, and to be honest, I’ve always taken it for granted. My two siblings always were the ones who got the headaches and stomach flu, but I was the lucky one who almost always escaped the germs’ claws with just one bad annual cold in the spring. So to suddenly, without reason, be robbed of easy, painless mobility was hard.

I couldn’t exercise on my knee, or even walk, without it hurting. My fellow ladies on my team were all athletes in high school and college, and exercise is something we’ve gotten to share in together ever since we first met. For me not to be able to join them was almost as frustrating as the fact that there was no reason for the pain.

I realized after a couple of weeks that I was getting more and more fed up, so I began to turn my knee over to the Father. At first, I semi demanded to know what the problem was (for those of you who are wondering, I’m terrified of doctors, so I pushed the idea of visiting a foreign one out of my head) and to for my leg to be restored. But at some point, He brought me a peace rather than an answer or relief for the ache, which soon overcame both of the latter. I was able to thank Him for giving me health and providing me with limbs that not only can operate, but can (normally) be used for exercise. So many people have not been equally blessed, which leads me into more adoration and awe of my Savior.

Today has been an amazing day for a number of reasons. The first reason being that despite its being a Monday, today didn’t suck; I had two really tiring but fun classes with my biggest and rowdiest classes of freshmen. The second being that the blue skies, warm sunshine, and 50-ish degree weather lead me to believe that we have FINALLY put the last of winter behind us (it was still snowing on and off just last week). The third being that I put on my running shoes, and I was able to ran for the first time in a month in the beauty of the afternoon air.

As I reflect on all of this, I can’t help but still feel a shadow of the pressure of all that is in store for me this week: classes, appointments with students, calls to the banks back home, looking more into jobs for when I come back this summer, and lesson planning for NEXT week. Such is the life of a foreign teacher! But you know what? When we choose to live life intentionally, no matter where we are, even the busiest seasons of life can be endured with joy in the knowledge of what He has given us: Himself.

So last week I was saying, “Wo zher teng.” This week, and always, I will say, “Xiexieni, Baba” (thank You, Father).

Ten Things You’ll Experience in China

So I realized after being in China for eight months that there are certain things that I have become used to here, which are “normal” to me, which are absolutely NOT normal in America. I thought it would be helpful to compile a list for you back home who are curious about this:

1       Hot water: In the northeast of China, the cold weather is pretty intense, with temperatures below freezing. You can imagine that staying hydrated is a little hard. All you want to do is to drink hot tea and hot coffee! The Chinese have found hot water (nothing added) to be the middle ground. A little weird, but when it’s -10 outside, give me that steaming mug of water!

2.       Water Baby: Another use of hot water in the winter is in a hot water bottle, which we call “water babies.” The Chinese are all about style, so it is serious style to tote around a water baby with a really niiiiiice cover. Not to mention they keep you nice and warm!

3.       Chinese drivers: To be honest, the scariest common experience that I have is walking through traffic or riding in a taxi or bus. Drivers here don’t really believe in using their breaks (or they use them FAR too much!) and they are not above driving on the wrong side of the road to get to where they’re going faster. Trust me; sometimes it’s just easier to close your eyes when you’re riding in the backseat.

4.       Sugar coated fruits: One of the most refreshing things to buy when you are shopping in the busy streets of downtown Changchun is a stick of sugar coated banana slices or grapes or strawberries. Vendors sell these sweet treats everywhere, and they are AWESOME.

5.       Lens-less glasses: It is a fashion statement here to wear a pair of plastic frames of glasses that do not have lenses. It is even better if there is a little pink bow on them. Even guys will sport these things (minus the bow, thankfully).

6.       Sound censored lights: In our apartment building, each floor has a light which is sound censored. We have gotten into the habit of making a popping sound as we walk up the stairs. The light on our floor is broken, but I am guilty of still making that popping sound simply out of habit.

7.       Minimal vocabulary: I am a college graduate with my degree in English. I learned a lot of big words that I used to like to use to help better articulate myself. Yet after only eight months, four years’ worth of vocabulary has gone into the back of my head and is covered in dust from lack of use. My students do not have a large vocabulary, and I have made it a point to use the simplest language around them. The results have been devastating. I tried to remember the word for “megaphone” the other day, and through my attempt to mime it, my team leader guessed “popsicle?”

8.       Hang-drying: There are no dryers in China, only washing machines. Every home is equipped with an additional little sun room where people can hang their laundry. You wash your jeans on Monday, depending on where you are, you can wear them Tuesday, maybe Wednesday…

9.       KTV: Karaoke. I think that’s all I can say about that one.

10.   Shopping: China has a lot of people, and each person has their own likes and needs. So instead of having all separate stores with separate merchandise, there are massive markets that have EVERYTHING. You can find electronic stores, food stores, clothing stores, and shoe stores, but if you need something specific, you need to learn where to find it in a market about four times the size of Walmart, and how to get there. It might move, so you’d better make friends with the person who sells what you need; they may not be there next week!

Well, these are a few things that make life more interesting in China. These things are 100% normal to people who live in China even if they have only lived here for six months. You simply learn how to work with these things, enough to where you can even enjoy them!

Goodbye snow, hello wind!

Well, we are turning the corner of March and are heading straight into April! Changchun remains to be cold, but thankfully I think we’ve left the worst of winter behind. Now we get to enjoy a ridiculous amount of wind. One of the teachers in my office told me March/April is the windiest time of the year for Changchun. Bring on the headbands, bobby pins, and hair ties!

In the last week, I feel like I have been made more and more aware of the amount of work my students have to do outside of my class. They are required to attend multiple class meetings on their own time, attend six to eight periods of class every day, do hours of homework and studying, and on top of all that, try to retain a healthy level of sanity. My heart goes out to the students who come to my class drained and half asleep. In one survey I did last semester in asking my senior students what words come to mind when I ask them to describe their college experience, they responded with “hard,” “challenging,” “draining,” and “boring.”

My college days were difficult, but more than anything else, I think back to how the Father used those days to draw me into Himself and grow me. I also think back to hundreds of memories with going out to the beach, Happy Hour half-off-appetizer specials, basketball games, choir tour jokes, and being able to love and be loved by friends. Here at Hua Qiao, life is so different for these college students. It makes me to want to extend the Father’s love to them not only so that they can experience His love, but also His hope which breathes life into our starving souls.

What I am finding harder and harder to believe is that in less than four months I’ll be back in the United States. This is difficult to imagine because the next chapter of my life is still unclear and I have no clue where the Father is going to place me next. There have been some amazing praises on my team as teammates have been figuring out, one at a time, where they will be serving next. Some people have chosen to stay in China and continue the Father’s work here in the Northeast (Dongbei), one teammate is getting married this summer, and a few others are planning to attend graduate school this fall. My heart swells with joy as my teammates watch the next pieces of life fall into place, yet sometimes it is difficult to fight against that nagging voice in my head saying, “Okay, what’s next for you?”

From what this year has taught me, I have realized how this question is either used to fuel a fire in my heart to follow my Savior, or it is used as a deterrent by the enemy to lead me astray. We often try to take what is out of our hands and make it into something we can manipulate. I have seen this in myself, and I have also seen how the Father chosen to grow me through this insecurity. He reigns sovereign over all circumstances, and will continues to show me this whether I choose to rest in Him. Just a hint for those who are in this boat: it is easier to rest in Him.

We girls meet every week one-on-one with our team leader Valerie, and she and I have discussed this idea of resting in Him a lot over this year. (My respect for her has grown so much because she has not gotten tired of my constant fretting!) She sent me a quote from Francis Chan this week, and I think it’d be good to share with you: “We don’t need to decide now what we will be doing next year. The decisions you make next are greatly influenced by how you respond to the Spirit right now, in today’s decisions.” So true!

Dongbei Igloo

It’s crazy, but even though it is March, I sit in my apartment watching buckets of snow cascading down outside. I feel as though I am in a snow globe! It has been snowing  every day for the last four days; I have never seen so much snow in my life! After talking to some people back home in Cali today, I am told that the weather has been in the 70s and 80s. It is so hard to believe I was living in that a year ago, and now I am living in what my teammates have lovingly dubbed a “Dongbei igloo.” (Dongbei is the Chinese word for the Northeast region.)

Despite the extremely cold and moist atmosphere, it was a dry week for my relationship with my Father. Sometimes, I feel so bogged down with all that I need to do, that I begin “take over” things. Suddenly, it becomes about what I can accomplish, not what He can accomplish through me. Suddenly, I am the one who is going to make a class go well, and I am the one who is going to get my students to care about learning English.

It is amazing how there are times when we walk away from the Well of Life, and wonder why we can’t survive in the desert. John told us in the first chapter of his book that “in Him was life, and that life was the light to all people.” My sister reminded me of something I’ve heard before but needed to hear again. In a pitch black room, all it takes is one match, and the darkness flees. A small flame doesn’t seem to compare much to the darkness around it, but “the darkness has not overcome it.”

I am very thankful for the times that I have stumbled in the desert and fallen flat on my face, even though it is not fun to get a mouth full of sand! It reminds me again and again that I was not made to walk alone, and certainly not to stumble blindly through the desert. He has called His children to something far more glorious than that, and I am excited to see what He has in store for us this semester!

Change of Season

Sitting in my living room on the morning of my Sabbath, I am very proud of myself. I slept in my bed for the first time in months last night! “Whaaaaaaaaat the heck?” you might be thinking. Well, to fill you in, our apartments have furnace-like heaters in every room, but the living room has an additional heater as well. Ergo, I have been sleeping in my warm living room (over my chilly bedroom) on the coach ever since November. However, yesterday was surprisingly warm in Changchun, and what I mean by that is that I was able to walk outside without gloves on and my hands didn’t freeze off. So I decided to try sleeping in my bed last night. I am very glad to report that I woke up warm, without a sore back, and feeling very rested this Sabbath day!

Why am I sharing this? Well, for one, this is a big deal for me. It is not easy to sleep on a couch for three months when you have the biggest bed in your building! But more importantly, this marks a significant fact: the weather is becoming warmer, meaning that our time here is slowly coming to its end.

I admit, I have been in too much of a teacher state to really think about the fact that we are already in the second semester. This last week was a good but challenging time as my teammates and I transitioned out of vacation mode into classroom mode. I am very glad that many of us were not too stressed; we were very glad to be reunited with our students, to hear their stories from their winter holiday and to share our own. I am teaching four new classes of sophomores this semester in place of the senior classes I had last semester. They are very good students, and I am excited to have them. It was even more of a joy to see my freshmen classes again, even the most difficult classes. I am anxious to see how the Father intends to use this semester of classes to further proclaim His glory through us!

Despite all this, however, I want to ask you guys to give thoughts to the Father that this semester does not go by so quickly unintentionally. What I mean is that I don’t want to get so wrapped up in teaching, in meeting with students, in faculty meetings, and in time hanging out with my friends that I am not aware of how quickly my time here is fading. I want to be intentional with how I use my time, especially now that the finish line is JUST barely visible on the horizon.

It is easy to start putting the pressure on ourselves to see our students and colleagues with whom we’ve had Spiritual conversations understand the love of Father. It may be important to desire that, but it’s more important to trust that “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity into man’s heart yet so that he cannot find out what [He] has done from the beginning to the end.” (Eccl. 3:11) We need to be asking for strength to truly rest in His goodness and His sovereignty while being bold and asking for Him to move in mighty ways!

PS: If you all could be lifting up our team leaders, Dan and Valerie, that’d be wonderful! Today, they are going to the hospital to get Dan looked at. He’s had a perpetual fever for the last week and not doing well. Val also has been sick fighting a cold and headaches. We want to see them restored to full health, so please join us as we continue to ask the Father for their relief. Thanks!!

Strength in Weakness

Sitting in my living room, it’s insane to think that only a week ago, I was in shorts and sandals, wandering the streets of Bangkok. Now, I sit with a blanket and a hot water bottle, with the ground outside covered in layers of fresh snow! I had to trade in my sandals, shorts, and ice coffee for long johns, sweaters, and a hot cup of joe!

One of the side effects of the cold weather is how lethargic it makes me, and so, due to this, I have spent a good amount of time alone in my apartment, unwilling to step foot outside in the frigid cold, longing for the warmth of the Thailand beaches. But the Father has taken advantage of this time to rejuvenate me through time spent with Him. It’s made me further understand the verse “for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10b).

When I got back from my month of traveling, I was exhausted and ready for a time of rest before classes started again. I was not only physically drained, but my emotions were raw from the intense highs and lows from what I saw and experienced in the countries we visited. Through this time, the Father allowed me to reflect on a lot of stuff, particularly His goodness and His love for us. That sounds cliché, but the truth is, chewing on the fact that even though I have spent the majority of my life in rebellion, that I still find forgiveness at the foot of the Cross, still leaves me standing amazed. I realize how weak and helpless I really am, and how strong and mighty He is, and that He imparts that strength to me as His child. Therefore, when I honestly see how weak I am, I truly am strong.

It truly is heartbreaking when I hear people speak of time spent with the Father as a burden or a duty. To those who are under this impression, I want to ask a question: is breathing a duty, or a necessity? Is it a burden to breathe? Weird question, isn’t it? It’s just as weird to ask a person who truly understands what it means to be redeemed and feel the overflowing of the Father’s love if spending time with Him is a duty.

The new semester is starting on Monday, and we are all preparing to go back to classes, and more importantly back to our students. I am looking forward to it, but I have the pre-class jitters! I want to get back into the swing of things smoothly, and would ask for thoughts to the Father for that, for my whole team. It’s my hope that we also wouldn’t sacrifice our quality time with Dad to make ourselves better teachers. I mean, if I shut off the power, how can I expect the light to turn on? J